EQUITABLE LIFE MEMBERS
Clarity and Parity - Page 3
The fall of Royalty Life continued
Andrea
You must be joking, he was a captain in the Marines before he came
to Royalty. The man is a trained killer! No qualms in dropping a female in
the way of victory and all that.
Briggs
True (He pauses). But
that is so harsh. Granted, you are an East London scally bird but how dare
he?
Andrea
I know. I can talk proper don’t I. Gawd bless yer Mary Poppins!
Briggs
Well, I am very impressed at how you dealt with it. Very mature.
Andrea
Mostly. (She pauses) Let the tyres down on his flash five litre fanny magnet on
my way out though. Buggered up the valve on one with chewing gum, so
he’ll never get it pumped up again.
She
licks her finger and chalks up an imaginary number one in the air without
shifting her eyes from the paper. Suddenly she stands up.
Andrea
Bloody hell Briggsy. Have you seen the Chronicle today? We’ve
been slaughtered in it.
Briggs
Yeah, Yeah.
Andrea
Serious. We’ve been murdered.
Briggs
But they love us. Everyone loves us. We’re the Royalty. You know
the advert, “Have a Royalty Life, Harry”. Even had the bloke from Last
of The Summer Wine in it. Are you drunk?
Andrea
Read it. (She throws the paper)
Briggs
(Reading out loud)
“Have a disloyal life Harry.” Nice headline! “Royalty Life have kept
millions of pounds in bonuses from policyholders with pre 1988 old style
pensions. Sold from the 1950s, the Retirement Annuity Policies have a rate
of annuity guaranteed at normal retirement age. North London IFA, Stephen
Carliss, is demanding a public enquiry and has asked for policy holders to
join an action group, led by him and co-ordinated from his office…”
Grant
Christ. This is a Mr Irwin-sized nightmare. It’s all over the
press. This is going to be bad chaps. Really bad.
Gill,
the branch manager joins them. He is wearing his boldest pinstripe. He is
short, stout and hairy, whilst being neat at the same time.
Gill
Right muckers. Morning to you all. Thank you for being here so
promptly. Can you all sit down please. I have a special announcement to
make. This will be followed by a press release. Lastly, Pete is going to
run through some vital technical data. I need full attention. You will
need pad and paper because you are going to have to make notes.
His
voice drifts off as a detailed briefing follows. Some time passes. The
voice becomes more distinct as he concludes.
So,
in a nut shell guys, this is it. Get your tin hats on. The press are going
to go for us big time. We have been banging our own drum for years about
how we are whiter than white. Low charges, great growth, flexible
contracts. The press have had nothing on us for as long as I can remember.
But now they think they have. BUT they have not. GET THIS MESSAGE RIGHT.
WE DO NOT HAVE TO PAY THE GUARANTEES IN RESPECT OF THE WHOLE FUND. NEITHER
THE PRESS NOR THE CLIENTS UNDERSTAND. THE POLICIES HAVE TWO TYPES OF
BONUS. AROUND 50% OF THE VALUE MAY BE GUARANTEED BUT THE REST IS NON
GUARANTEED. THE BOARD HAVE ABSOLUTE POWER TO ALLOCATE BONUSES AS THAY SEE
FIT. WE WILL NOT PAY THE NON GUARANTEED PART IF IT MEANS THE OTHER
POLICYHOLDERS, WITHOUT THESE PENSION PLANS, MIGHT END UP GETTING LESS.
THAT IS THE END OF IT. WE ARE PAYING FOR A TEST RULING IN LAW TO PROVE OUR
CASE IS FAIR AND RIGHT. THIS IS A NON ISSUE. GENTLEMEN, DO NOT DEVIATE
FROM THIS MESSAGE. Pete, over to you.
Pete
Thanks Gill. Look, this is going to be tricky to explain to our
clients. So let’s stick to what we know works. Most of our sales are
driven by the clever use of diagrams. You know our motto. A picture paints
a thousand words. We’ve got one to help. Watch me do this then have a go
yourself. You’ll see it is simple, accurate and powerful. The aim is to
put the minds of potential new customers at ease. We do not represent a
risk for new investment. We must not allow new investors to be deterred.
So, first you need to draw two boxes
His
voice fades out and the image blurs.
Same
day, 8.45 am.
Scene
– Royalty Life HQ. Plush office. Sumptuous leather chairs. Dash and
Maymes sit wearing Saville Row suits and very shiny, black, hand-made,
Italian shoes.
Dash
So give me feedback. How do you think the Board Meeting went?
Maymes
Perfect. The action we are taking is right. The court case will put
this to bed. The Board fully backed you. Sir Hugo dozed off slightly but
he still voted the right way.
Dash
And the figures. Did they look right? Do you think fifty million is
enough?
Maymes
The figures looked more than generous. The action will protect the
vast majority of members who do not have guaranteed rates. In some cases,
even with this corporate approach, there may be a need to pay out slightly
more. Reserving an extra fifty mill should be ample. You saw Treadon’s
numbers. They looked spot on.
Dash
Do me a favour. Get that senior partner from Ernest Anderton here
for a meeting tomorrow. We will need his guidance on how to report this in
the accounts. I don’t want any excuses from him. I don’t care if
he’s busy, just get him here. It’s about time he started earning some
of the multi million pound auditing fees we pay each year. Oh and arrange
for the legal bods to come in after that. We need to discuss the case
strategy and get a client to be the stooge. So, branch feedback. What have
you had?
Maymes
I am working closely with the new National Sales Manager on this.
Tough call for him in only his first week in the role. He gets back from a
three week holiday in the Maldives and finds himself in the middle of
this.
Dash
Will he cope? I mean, when you appointed Griffiths to head the
Sales Team for Zeller, it was based on his ability to bang a drum, beat
his ample chest and drive forward sales. The role may be very different
now. He may need to be subtle, gentle and even thoughtful if the press
really go for us. He may even have to speak to the press.
Maymes
(His eyebrows are raised as
he strokes his chin) Probably not his best skill set. I think he may
need tutoring on “what, who and how” when it comes to the media.
Don’t worry I‘ll keep a really close eye on him. Anyway, so far the
feedback has been excellent. The Managers have all reported in. The reps
are on message. They all know the right soundbites to use and have been
coached on how to use the diagram to explain. Should only be an issue when
dealing with potential new customers. If we pre-empt concerns by going
over the company’s position at the beginning of every call, we should be
able to put it to bed. I am very confident of this.
Dash
Good. Might be a good idea to get Griffiths around to all the
branches on a whistle stop tour. A bit of drum banging might go down well
right now.
Maymes
Right.
Dash
So, what will we do about Carliss? (He
pauses) Find out more about him. We must shut him up. Seems a shame to
waste time and effort on such an insignificant little turd of an IFA, but
we might have to sort him out.
Same day, 5.30 pm.
Scene – The Windsor Castle
pub. It is mostly empty. A few ridiculous pinstriped suits occupy a bay
window.
Briggs
I don’t like this much. I mean, I know we are in the right. Pete
and Gill have made it really obvious. But the press were so nasty. And
I’ve had half a dozen calls from potential new clients who are worried.
I think I’ve talked them round, but still, I’m not used to it. My
clients love me. They love Royalty Life. I work bloody hard for them. They
get good returns. They get good advice. Do you think this might be the
beginning of the end?
Andrea
No way. We’ve just got to ride it out until the court case in
February. Royalty are paying for it. When we win and the position is
clarified, we will be seen as champions by all the policyholders without
guarantees. New business will fly in even more than ever. You watch.
We’ve just got to tell it how it is. We are financially very strong, the
press are twats who don’t like us and won’t print the truth and the
courts will prove it. Worst case scenario, we get a bit more adverse press
coverage. But there is no such thing as bad press. What it will do is
increase brand awareness.
Grant
Ooooo. “Brand awareness”! Someone’s dredging up some very big
words from her O’ Level Business Studies days.
Andrea
(Holding up her middle
finger)Swivel
Grant
Look. Don’t want to be a killjoy, but if we lose the court case,
I think it might be curtains. We all know that one of our unique selling
points is the fact that we give spectacular bonuses on our With Profits
fund instead of keeping money in reserve. What if we lose? Where are the
reserves? Listen, I’m close to retirement so it won’t effect me. But
this job is the envy of the market. Yet everyone hates us because the reps
earn loads and so do the clients. Does that add up? No, not really. If we
pay the reps tons and make the payouts to clients very high, where is the
margin? I think we’ve been chewing at both ends of the baguette and
moustaches are about to meet in the middle. Trust me my friends, nobody
likes mixing ham and bread with another man’s facial hair. I’M SURE
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. (Briggs and
Andrea stare vacantly at each other) Stay alert, believe no one and
question everything, especially what management says. (stares directly
into Briggs’s eyes and pauses).
Don’t
eat bullshit. Believe what you want to believe. And you are going to have
to believe. Because if you draw Pete’s diagram and do not sound like you
believe, then you may as well quit. Clients smell doubt. It makes them
clench their teeth, bum cheeks and wallets.
Briggs
And on that note, Doctor Death rounded up all the children of the
village and blew them up. Grant, if ever you’re over near Bracknell, you
must call in to read my lad a bedtime story. You have so much vitality and
optimism to share. My view is this. If we stood any chance of losing the
court case, why would we be forcing it into the courts in the first place
AND paying for it?
Grant
I’m serious. You chaps have got young kids and big mortgages. I
have neither. Stay alert and make sure you are never far away from an
updated CV.
Andrea
Well on that cheery note I’m going to get more drinks? Briggsy,
some weedy lager? Grant, the most expensive red? So predictable. Boys!
Date: 16th August
1997, 11.30 am.
Scene – Royalty Life,
Dash’s office. Some overly busy pinstriped suits sit on one side of a
large desk. Some dull grey, dusty suits sit opposite. Bob Bland is senior
partner at Ernest Anderton. He is 47, six feet tall and has very grey thin
hair and a beard.
Dash
So, do we all agree with the numbers now? I want to quantify the
position in the audited accounts. The sooner we do this, the sooner the
reps in the field can put it to bed for new clients who are worried.
Bland
Well, let me just replay what you want. You tell the press that you
believe that the potential costs of settling all the guarantees will only
be £50m. You then reserve in the accounts an even bigger figure, say £200m
just to appear to be extraordinarily prudent. In reality, behind closed
doors, you intend to police the guarantees so rigorously that you will
never need anything like the extra £150m. Am I summarising accurately?
Dash
Yes.
Bland
And you expect
Ernest Anderton to sign the accounts off with this in?
Dash
Almost bloody well demand it!
Bland
So what happens to the extra £150m?
Dash
Well we’ve got a few unexpected legal fees to pay. And I dare say
that will include Risk Management Consultancy fees. And I would even go as
far as to say there will be the potential for “happy customer” bonuses
to all our professional advisers if a satisfactory resolution is achieved.
Bland
I see.
He
pauses, turns to his junior team members who are sitting to his left.
There appears to be some complicit eye signalling.
Dash
Come on Bland. I’m talking about a fat extra bonus here. Six
noughts!(He scowls) And it is
not as if there is a huge black hole in our With Profits Fund is it? I
mean, you guys have happily signed it off as financially healthy every
year for the last twenty years without even so much as mentioning
guarantees. Not even the teensiest of footnotes, the weensiest of caveats
or the squeensiest of qualifying statements. And you have regularly
secured our continued business by claiming to have insurance industry
knowledge that is absolutely unique. So all this time you must have been
quietly monitoring the guaranteed annuity rate position?
Bland
Are you implying that.
Dash
(Interrupting)
You have been doing an excellent job for the company and the
policyholders? Yes I am (He pauses
dramatically and gently rubs his hands together). So do we have
agreement?
Bland
Of course.
Dash
Splendid. Maymes, alert the printers. We must go to press right
away. I want an annual report in every
policyholders hands before the end of November. Thank you
gentlemen. Your prompt assistance has been most welcome. You know the way
out.
Scene change. It is moments
later and the slightly dull suited accountants are in the lift alone.
Grey
Man Bob Bland. Was that a
blinder you just played or what?
Bland
Yeeeeeees! Jesus, yes.
He
drops his attaché case and allows his body to flop from efficiently
upright to exhaustedly loose. He holds his head.
Grey
Man And all along we thought old Dasher had got us in for a
roasting.
Bland
Jesus. I still can’t believe it. How well did that go? Call the
office and say we will not be going back. Tell them we’ve had our
meeting extended to enter high-pressure talks. We are off to the pub.
Dull
Man Nice one!
Bland
This will be the biggest fee account ever. We will go down in
company history. It’ll wipe the floor with the deals done by Gray at
Macaroni. And it was all so easy.(He
pauses and holds his chin) We have looked at these guaranteed things
haven’t we? I mean I’m the negotiator and board liaiser, you guys do
the coal face stuff.
Grey
Man Don’t worry Bob. We are totally in control. No stone has been
left unturned.
Dull
Man, out of eye contact, glazes over. His smile turns into the slightest
of nervous twitches. The face becomes expressionless before contorting
into a frown. Expressionless for a few more seconds, he begins to smile
again. The smile is less real, more forced. The lift slows.
Bland
Ok. This is Reception. Best accountant glum faces again and no more
whooping for joy until my car is more than four hundred yards out of the
car park. Here we go.
The
doors open and an efficient procession of greyness exits the building.
Back
in Dash’s office, the dull grey has been replaced by enough dapper navy,
finest silk ties and matching silk hankies to fill a catalogue.
Dash
Ok legal bods. Tell me your plans.
Oily
Man
Easy. We get the best QC in the country. We get my team in here
working round the clock between now and February. We get a watertight
argument and we bang it so hard down the judge’s throat that he’ll
need an arse doctor to help him get it out. Questions?
Dash
Plenty. Who is this QC?
Oily
Man
He is Sir Jonathan Gravidlax. We have already commissioned him. He
has bumped everything out of his diary until June.
Dash
June. I don’t see why? I want this over in February!
Oily
Man
It will be, or at least as good as. But we will be such magnanimous
victors that we will pay for our stooge to go to appeal. Look, trust me.
It will be great for PR.
Dash
I don’t think I want to go to appeal.
Oily
Man
You do. You trust us. You have to. You do.
Dash
And is this chap Gravidlax good?
Oily
Man
The best in insurance litigation. The best.
Dash
Maymes?
Maymes
Sounds bloody cunning to me.
Dash
Ok, how much?
Oily
Man
Our fees, plus Gravidlax’s, plus retainer til June. £2,000,000.
Dash
(He nearly chokes and then whispers to himself)
Take me from behind gently again head boy! (He looks up and shouts)
HOW MUCH?
Oily
Man
This gets you the best. It will not fail. It is a winner. You can
categorically tell your reps to sell, sell, sell. The PR boost of
constantly being in the news and the “ooh aren’t they upright and
honest factor” for funding this pauper of a stooge through the High
Courts, will more than repay this cost. BUT, you mustn’t publicise it as
a cost. You don’t need me to tell you guys that you (He does the
inverted commas thing by waiving a cub-scout salute with each hand above
his head)
sell the sizzle not the sausage. Go big on it. Say you’re investing for
clarity now and parity forever. Tell the press you are paying top dollar
for the best there is. Tell the reps that you are right on top of this.
Tell them it is safe to sell to their parents.
Dash
I like it. Maymes, does this man want Griffiths’s job? Christ
you’re right. We can come out of this like gods.
Oily
Man
So the win bonus then.
Dash
Hadn’t really thought the issue over.
Oily
Man
And I’m the king of Egypt. Two million.
Dash
One million and don’t extract the yellow stuff.
Oily
Man
Which is precisely the figure I have put in the contract. Would you
like to use my pen or yours?
Dash takes the papers and reads avidly. He seems very pleased with
himself.
Oily
Man
So tell me about the stooge.
Maymes
Yes, I am quite keen that we do not call him that. After all he
will have a top QC too, which we are paying for. We must not be seen to
denigrate the validity of his cause.
Oily
Man
Sorry. You are quite right. What is his profile?
Maymes
Donald Nash. Old, overweight, not too grey and not too with-it. He
was only moments away from getting his full guarantee on the whole fund.
Seems Carliss had tracked him down and tipped him off. Cooper was about to
pay out when it all went bang. Nice chap. Cooper remembered him because he
cried when he lost out. Very miffed. Very old school. We haven’t
contacted him yet but he will definitely play ball. He wanted to sue us
but couldn’t afford to. And he will not play dirty. He also looks a bit
pathetic so it will seem really benevolent of us to help fund his case.
From Exeter, he’s got a good carrot-crunching burr on his voice.
Oily
Man
And the press.
Maymes
Gormless morons you mean. They were told that we chose him at
random and they believe it.
Oily
Man
Good. Listen, don’t take this the wrong way, but be careful of
some of these journos. They may act and look a bit pissed most of the time
but there are some real bright cookies in there. Do not let them talk to
any monkeys.
Dash
There. All signed. Show yourselves out. You’ll all be buying new
Porsches after this deal. The nearest specialist is about four hundred
yards that way (points left).
Enjoy.
Royalty Life HQ still. Not a plush office. Rotund man hopelessly
not fitting into a very ridiculous pinstriped suit. He is Dai Griffiths,
is age 42 and around 5 feet six inches tall. Bad hair. Very 1980s, with a
suggestion of mullet. Bits of gold-sprayed plastic and some cheap looking
tassels shine on the edges of his shoes as he shadow boxes his coat stand.
Griffiths
(To himself in a broad Welsh accent)
You have made it Dai. I could be bigger than Phil Bennett in my village.
No more Mr Lardy from the Valleys now. (He keeps punching)
Once this court thing is out of the way I am going to punch this sales
force to even greater heights. Give it two years and I will be on the
Board (holding a clenched fist above his head, straight-armed like
Buzz Lightyear)
To infinity and behind! (The phone rings. He hits the “no
hands” button and carries on boxing)
Griffiths.
Journo
Is that Dai Griffiths, the head of UK Sales?
Griffiths
(He stops boxing, stands straight and puffs out his enormous
chest)
Yes it is.
Journo
Congratulations on your promotion. You must be absolutely thrilled.
Griffiths
(still puffed out and now beaming) Yes, I am rather.
Journo
I bet your family is pleased.
Griffiths
And the rest. The boys in my rugby club think I am royalty now,
especially when I turn up in my new Italian sports car, isn’t it.
Journo
So what’s the secret of your success?