EQUITABLE LIFE MEMBERS

Clarity and Parity - Page 4

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The fall of Royalty Life continued

Griffiths Simple. Sell, sell, sell. Ignore objections. “Listen Mr Client, when I want your opinion I will tell you it.” Get the buggers in the With Profits Fund. No bother. We are the best. Can’t be touched.

Journo    Do they all always want With Profits?

Griffiths By the time my reps have got hold of them, yes boyo.

Journo    So you think the With Profits Fund is watertight?

Griffiths More so than an Arab’s sandal.

Journo    Right. So do you think the £500m set aside to cover guarantees will be enough?

Griffiths Yeah, and if there’s a few quid left over we’ll just pay it out in bonuses.

Journo    To the policyholders?

Griffiths No. The sales team.

Journo    And do you think all of the £500m will be needed to meet the guarantee?

Griffiths Well hopefully. Unofficially, mind, if we lose the court case I heard one of the actuaries say that the debt to the fund could be more than a billion pounds. Now that is a lot of daffodils come St David’s, know what I mean?

Journo    And the policyholder who is taking the company to court. How did you find him?

Griffiths A carefully hand selected natural born loser.

Journo    But Mr Dash’s office has just issued a press release saying that the policyholder was chosen at random and that the actual cost of guarantees will never exceed £50m.

Griffiths (He turns very pale) Er….who is this?

Journo    Thanks boyo.(He hangs up. In his office he jumps from his chair and punches the air) Oi Johnny, chuck me that bunch of bananas, I’ve found our monkey!

          Dash’s office again. Only he and Maymes are present.

Dash      So what time is Carliss due in?

Maymes    Ten minutes. And can I just say that you have been magnificent so far. This will make you a Sir, one day.

Dash      Good. Now, get me one of those pokey little offices on the third floor. You know the ones I mean. Glass wall, metal blinds, three blue fabric chairs, cheap phone, cheap pine-look table and even cheaper paintings on the wall. The ones that the team leaders have their never-ending and utterly pointless team rah, rah meetings in. Be a good man. Take my lint roll down and get all the hair and bits of fluff off all the chairs. And take this bowl of pot pouri. Those rooms are often a bit on the ripe side. I’ll be down in five.

Maymes    Why not here?

Dash      I’m not inflating the ego of this turd-in-a-box IFA. We don’t deal with IFAs. Our success is founded on this. There is no way he is coming into my office and putting his brown suited arse on my leather seats.

Maymes    Ok. But how do you know he has got a brown suit?

Dash      I just know.

Time: Same day, 11.55 am.

Scene – Eton Branch. Briggs is on the phone at his desk. His braces are sagging, his shoulders sloping and his hair very scruffy.   

Briggs    …yes I agree. Well you know the press, anything for a story. Thanks for calling and thanks for not cancelling. You are doing the right thing. We’re ringfencing the problem away from all the members without guarantees, especially new members. And rest assured, the With Profits fund is alive and well. Speak to you soon Mr Davis. Good bye.(He puts the phone down) JESUS. My jaw is aching. That’s the tenth call I’ve had this morning. (The phone rings) SOD OFF! (He picks it up) Hi, John. Yes Sharon. Ok, put him through.(He pauses) Hello Mr Irwin, how are y…yes…ok…ten thirty? I think so, let me just che…see you on Thursday morning then. B…(the phone goes dead) Oh don’t mention it. Of course I’ll drop everything and be at your office at 10.30 on Thursday morning. It will be an enormous pleasure. May all your pets breed successfully and have lemon curd injected in their scrotum sacks. JESUS!

Same day: midday.

          Scene – A plain interview room. Dash, Maymes and Carliss in a brown suit sit stiffly round a pine-effect table.

Dash      Ok, let’s cut to the chase. What the hell are you up to?

Carliss   I might ask the same thing about your treatment of people with guaranteed annuity rates.

Dash      But what do you want?

Carliss   Justice for these retired folk. A decent income and a decent standard of living for people who have been lied to.

Dash      Ok, let’s just say you are not actually talking cobblers for a few minutes here. What do you get? I mean, if we did pay the full guarantee on the full fund for all these people, and believe me that will only happen over my dead body, they would only get such a rate by staying with Royalty. They would have to buy the annuity with us. Even if some of these policyholders are quasi-clients of your company too, we will not pay a bean of commission to you. And you know this. We never pay commission.

Carliss   That is fucking horse shit. If you don’t pay commission how is it that your average London rep earns over £80,000, when your ad for new reps in the trade rags offers basic salaries of only £30,000? Answer me that.

Maymes    Two things Mr Carliss. 1, we do not appreciate that type of language in this building.

A fast scene change flashes to the corridor outside Griffiths’s office. He is pacing up and down shouting “Fuck-burgers” repeatedly. The scene returns to the interview room.

And 2, how we reward extraordinary high volumes of sales is absolutely none of your business. Unless you are jealous. But that would not surprise me. You did, in fact, try to join our prestigious company three years ago, did you not?

An unnaturally high raised left eyebrow is on Dash’s face. There is a small shard of light cast from his gold tooth as he grins broadly.

Carliss   That has nothing to do with it.

Dash      Oh really. How fascinating. So what exactly has got something to do with it?

Carliss   Fairness.

Dash      Not publicity then for your rather grubby little IFA business?

Carliss   You can’t talk to me like this!

Dash      Interesting notion. I must beg to differ however. Now, I think you will find it a more invigorating trip down to reception by taking the stairs not the lift. Indeed, you might even find that the extra cardiovascular activity burns off just the right number of kilojoules for your rather splendid suit to release its vice-like grip on your backside. Good day to you.  

Dash stands and glides out of the office followed by Maymes. Carliss slowly gathers his papers and trudges to the lift. He moves towards the “call” button then stops. He looks left and right before running his hand over his bottom. Turning sharply, he heads for the stairs, muttering under his breath.

Minutes later in Dash’s office

Dash      That was most enjoyable. Thank you Maymes, that was more fun than I have had for some time. How on earth did you find that out in such a short timespan? The number of people we have interviewed in the last three years must go into the hundreds. And how did you think to look?

Maymes    Well, you said find out more. His name rang a bell and then as I was driving in this morning it suddenly hit me. I was part of an interview panel that rejected him. And do you know what, I am sure he wore the same brown suit.

Dash      Quite incredible. Maymes, there is a bright future for you here, you know that don’t you? You’ll have this office yourself one day. Not too soon though. Christ, they train them well at Sandhurst don’t they? Anyway, I have a feeling that we won’t have too much more trouble from Carliss. Good stuff! (He claps his hands).

          Carliss’s car, a small Malaysian hatch back.    

Carliss   (Talking to himself) That is it. Nobody takes on Carliss and wins. Watch out Dash! Enjoy your last few weeks at the top. You will be eating those pompous and arrogant words soon my friend.

His mobile phone rings. Carliss steers with his knees while he scrabbles on the passenger seat to pick it up. He produces a long cable which when pulled is attached to a headset. Popping the cable into the phone, he slips the head-set on and presses a podgy thumb on to the green answer button.

Hello, Carliss here.

There is a split screen, the journo with the bananas on one side, cigarette in mouth and trapping the phone to his shoulder with his chin. He is in jeans and a t-shirt and has stubble. His hair is gelled into a fin.

Journo    Mr Carliss. You don’t know me but I work for a major national newspaper. Listen, my editor can’t get very fired up about this Royalty Life thing just yet, but I reckon this might be the big one, you know, like “All the President’s Men”. Would you be interested if I had some very incriminating comments from the new Head of National Sales?

Carliss   You bet I would. What do you know?

Journo    Fancy a beer tonight?

Carliss   Ok.

Journo    Meet me in the Freedom Bound near Tower Bridge. Say 6pm? It will be worth it.

Carliss   No problem. One question. What will it cost me?

Journo    A few pints of Stella to start with. Maybe after that a no shit promise that you will keep me in the loop. When this really goes bang and believe me, it will, I want to put something so good on my editor’s lap that he’ll think it’s a pole dancer and try to slip a tenner in its g-string. Know what I mean?

Carliss   Got a deal my friend.

Date: Thursday 17^th August, 7.15am

Scene – Dash’s office. Dash sits wearing heavy chalk-stripe on a deep navy. The door bursts open.

Maymes    Sorry not to knock. We have a problem.(He places the Chronicle in front of Dash)

Dash      (Staring at a headline on the front page “Royalty Life has black hole of £1bn”) Christ!

Maymes    Yes.

Dash      Jesus Christ!

Maymes    Indeed.

Dash      Jesus H Christ!

Maymes    Doesn’t read much better either.(There is a pause while Dash reads the whole article)

Dash      But this is not true. This is a lie. Get the legal team in here now.

Maymes    Already called them. They’ll be here in twenty minutes.

Dash      Bloody Carliss. He’s quoted all over this article. Get me the journalist moron who wrote this on the phone. Jesus, this is going to drop the reps right in the brown stuff.

Maymes    The journalist’s mobile number is 07811 232455. He should be there right now.

Dash      (Looking slightly quizzically at Maymes) How do you know these things?

Maymes    He rang Zeller for a quote yesterday. Zeller was out so I took the call. I cut him dead with a very robust “No comment”. He insisted on giving me his mobile number so I jotted it down just in case.

Dash      (Dialling) We’ll see how scared he is when he realises who I am. It’s ringing.

There is a pause. The screen splits to show an open plan office with Chronicle insignia adorning the walls. A late thirties, well dressed journalist picks up a mobile phone.

Hello. John Tompkins? Dash, CEO at Royalty. I would like to talk with you. Are you free right now?

Tompkins  Yes. How nice of you to call.

Dash      Cut the cheek sonny. You’d better get your legal team to check their liability cover. You’ve made a big mistake on your front page. I don’t know where you have got your information from but it is totally incorrect.

Tompkins  Well, I rarely reveal my sources….

Dash      You might have to this time. You’ve been lied to and you’ve made the classic shoddy journalist error of not checking the facts. Too excited thinking of a headline to actually do any research? This could be P45 time for you.

Tompkins  We’ll see about that.

Dash      Ok. So tell me stuff about my company that I don’t even know.

Tompkins  Well, apart from the main story about the potential black hole of £1bn, how about this? Donald Nash was not chosen at random, but is in fact a “carefully hand selected natural born loser”

Dash      A lie. No one has said that. Who has said that?

Tompkins  Or how about this? “Do all the clients want With Profits?…..Yes, by the time the reps have finished with them!” Tell me Mr Dash, how does that approach fit in with the fact that the Regulator INSISTS that the reps must not advise which fund to go into under any circumstances. Nor are they allowed to champion any particular fund ahead of others. Their job is to ascertain the client attitude to risk and make known the funds that match that attitude. It is then the client who CHOOSES. Does this ring a bell Mr Dash?

Dash      You are deluded. This is utterly preposterous. Sit tight my friend. The big bad lawyers are coming to get you. Your senior editor will be wanting a word with you.

Tompkins  Really? I think you’ll find he actually wants a word with you. You see he has a rather large old-style Retirement Annuity Policy that has a very clear promise of a guaranteed rate at retirement with a top drawer pension company called…….let me see now (long pause) Oh yes, Royalty Life.

Dash      Do you think that will intimidate me in the slightest? You don’t know who you are dealing with here. I’d start clearing your desk if I were you.(slams the phone down)

Maymes    Jesus.

Dash      Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the donkey and some sheep. The whole bloody lot.

Maymes    Who could it be?

Dash      Get hold of Cooper, Zeller, Treadon and Griffiths. I want them all in here together at 11.45. No excuses. I don’t care what they are doing. Just get them here.

Date: 17^th August, 10.30am

Scene – A small set of offices near Old Street tube station. A secretary leads Briggs into a corner office.        

Briggs    Hello Mr Irwin.

Irwin     Hello. Good. I hope you are here to tell me all about the guarantee in my policy which, it appears, exists all of a sudden. Are you?

Briggs    Well…as you know the media have had a field day on…

Irwin     Sod the press. I am only interested in me. Am I going to get my full guarantee?

Briggs    Mr Irwin, I really feel it will help if I explain the full picture including the history.

Irwin     I really feel it will not.

Briggs    Well, with respect, this is what we in the sales force have been instructed to share with you. You could decide to only read and believe what the press say. But I want you to understand our stance fully.

Irwin     Look. If you can not answer my simple question without your little spiel then go ahead. All I want to know is what will I get.

Briggs    Ok. This will take around five minutes but feel free to stop me to ask questions.

Irwin     John, when I stop you it is highly likely that I will not want you to say much more other than good bye. How plain is that?

Briggs    If I could just draw a quick sketch. You know what they say, a pic…

Irwin     (Interrupting) picture paints a thousand words. Yeah yeah yeah. I’ve been dealing with you lot long enough to have heard that little sales line plenty of times. Not all your customers are stupid enough to fall for silly little diagrams.

Briggs    I promise it will help (He pauses) If you imagine that this big box…

Briggs starts to draw. The page in front of Mr Irwin becomes a blur as various boxes, arrows and crossings out occur. Briggs underlines a boxed area in red. Finally he highlights the smaller of the boxes in fluorescent yellow. A running commentary supports the whole display. Pointing at the yellow-bordered box with his Mont Noir fountain pen he concludes.

…which is why your With Profits fund is split into guaranteed and non-guaranteed bonus. So the annuity guarantee only applies to the guaranteed section of your fund. After all, we only have one pot of money to share amongst all the members and if the smaller minority of people in this box (he taps the yellow-bordered box) get more of it, the larger majority of people in this box (he now taps the other much bigger box underlined in red) will get less.  Does that make sense Mr Irwin?

Irwin     Only just. It seems to be very fair to the people without guarantees if you ask me. And did I hear you right? I can have my guarantee, but only relating to the part of my total fund that is guaranteed.               

Briggs    Well. In a word , yes.

Irwin     (Pausing to think) Christ, do you people abuse the word “guaranteed” enough? I need to think. So the other bit of my fund gets just the ordinary lower annuity rate applied to it then?

Briggs    Ah, now I mustn’t have made myself clear on that. You will ONLY EVER get your fair share of the total With Profits fund held by the company for everybody. If we did what you just said, we would be paying you more out than your pot would allow.

Irwin     So what ARE you saying then?

Briggs    That you will get nothing in return for your non-guaranteed section of With Profits fund.

Irwin     What did you just say?

Briggs    Well, you will potentially get nothing for that bit.

Irwin     (There is a long pause) What utter nonsense. No, no, no, no, no. This is rubbish. Complete sodding rubbish. Let me know, John, if you would, what that actually means in money terms. How much will I get with this new and very confusing way of working it out?

Briggs    £14,200 is the most you would get.

Irwin     But hang on a minute. You said earlier that my guaranteed rate WOULD apply. You did say that?

Briggs    I did, but only in relation to the guaranteed part of the fund.

Irwin     Which gives me an income of how much?

Briggs    £14,015.

Irwin     LESS? WHY LESS? The figure is going down.

Briggs    No. You see we will give you the current ordinary rate in relation to your whole fund OR the guaranteed rate in relation to your guaranteed fund, whichever is greater. In your case, that is £14,200 per annum.

Irwin     So before I found out about my guarantee I was going to get £14,200 per annum. And now you say my guarantee can be used. But only in accordance with the way you just explained. Bottom line is, I still get £14,200 per annum. Right?

Briggs    Right.

Irwin     You can’t do that. There must be some law or rule which says you can’t just decide to apply that sort of restriction to part of the fund.

Briggs    The thing is, as much as you are not going to want to hear this, Mr Irwin, we can.

Irwin     How?

Briggs    Because it is the responsibility of the Board to ensure ALL members of the With Profits fund get their fair share of the pot. In pursuit of this aim, they can allocate bonuses and withdraw non-guaranteed benefits at any time. That is the whole point about not guaranteeing something. This is the ONLY approach the Board have sanctioned, in order to be fair to everyone. And it is the validity and legality of this decision that we are seeking to underline in the law courts. The judge, we are reliably told, will find we have acted properly.

Irwin     Frankly, bugger everyone else. What about me? There must be enough reserve funds to pay the extra out?

Briggs    That is not the point.

Irwin     Do you have the paperwork to proceed on you?

Briggs    Yes.

Irwin     I would like to see it (He takes it from Briggs’s hand). Priceless.

Briggs    Sorry?

Irwin     Priceless. You come here to basically tell me my guarantee is useless. And you have the bare faced cheek to think I will be happy enough to sign the papers. Jesus. I’ve always known your company was a bit arrogant and pompous, but this takes it off the scale.

Briggs    But all I’m trying to d…..

Irwin     (Interrupting) Trying nothing! You lot make me sick. Please would you mind leaving my office. I’m going to the press, the ombudsman and the Regulator. Just leave.

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