EQUITABLE LIFE MEMBERS
Clarity and Parity - Page 5
The fall of Royalty Life continued
Time:
Same day,11.45 am.
Scene – Dash’s office. The
accused in a line with Maymes pacing around them like a drill sergeant.
Dash
You have all seen the Chronicle?
Zeller
Yes. Not Good.
Dash
Does anyone have anything to tell me?
Cooper
Like what?
Dash
Like who spoke to the papers?
Treadon
Hang on a minute. I don’t like this one bit. I feel like I’m on
trial here. Am I?
Dash
No one is. When I find out who has blabbed there will be a trial.
Mine, for the murder of a stupid senior employee. So who has spoken to the
press?
Griffiths (Looking sweaty) Not me.
Treadon
Obviously not me.
Zeller
No.
Cooper
Hate the bastards.
Maymes
Well lets look at the article. Who has a comment?
Zeller
Ok, so we do gently nudge clients into the With Profits fund. But
they all go willingly. And every other life company does it. That claim
would never stick if the Regulator charged us.
Cooper
And £500m must be a misprint. No employee here doesn’t know
about the £50m figure. Even the cleaners know it.
Maymes
I agree. So where did they get this £1bn sum from?
Treadon
Unlikely, but it may have got out that if we actually lost the
court case it could cost in excess of £1bn.
Dash
What do you mean? Who told you to calculate the loss on that basis?
Treadon
No one. But I am an actuary. It is my job to do ALL the
calculations. We do this sort of thing all the time.
Dash
Well for Christ’s sake don’t. And I do not want any member of
staff, actuarial or otherwise even THINKING about losing the court case,
let alone talking about it.
Treadon
I agree. Sorry. It was not a general topic of debate in the whole
team. It was just a calculation asked for from a smaller team.
Dash
And it didn’t go any further.
Treadon
No. But disappointingly I overheard two of them talking about it by
the coffee machine. You saw them didn’t you Dai? (Griffiths
shifts awkwardly and nods sweatily) Anyway, I had a word and the topic
of conversation will not arise again.
Dash
Ok. But do you know your team well enough to have confidence that
they wouldn’t talk to the media.
Treadon
I think so.
Dash
Be sure. Grill each of them and find out. If we’ve got a mole he
must have his neck snapped, now.
Zeller
So if we lose the court case it will cost £1bn?
Treadon
More like £1.5bn. And that is conservative.
Zeller
Good heavens! But do we have the clout to cover that?
Treadon
Oh good god no.
Maymes
Gents. Please. We must all be on message. We will win. We have the
best legal man money can buy. There must be no obstacle to new sales. Now
let’s get back to work.
Dash
Oh and listen everyone. It’s testicles on toast if anything like
this happens again.
Same day, midday
Scene
– Carliss, Tompkins and Nash sit in a blue and yellow living room.
Tompkins So are we all happy about how this is going to work? Ray,
you’re Donald’s son. And Donald, you’ve told the rep that your son
is going to sit in? All clear?
Nash
Yes. I can’t wait.
Carliss
And the tape recorder is well hidden?
Tompkins FBI wouldn’t even find it. Listen, Don, are you sure he will
not know that you are the one who the Royalty are going to bankroll
through the courts.
Nash
It is very unlikely John. They only approached me yesterday. As
soon as I knew I got the train up and rang Ray. There was nothing about me
in the press but I am sure there will be soon.
Tompkins Tomorrow to be precise. Now I’m going to make myself scarce.
He’ll be here in a minute.
The scene fades to a blur and
refocuses in the same room with Nash, Carliss and a tall, thin, greying
man in a bold blue pinstripe. He is drawing boxes on a pad and underlining
in different colours. The sound is muffled at first but becomes clearer
gradually.
Rep
(In a very plummy and nasal
voice)… which is why your With Profits fund is split into guaranteed
and non-guaranteed bonus. So the annuity guarantee only applies to the
guaranteed section of your fund. After all, we only have one pot of money.
Nash
So I’m never going to get the real value of my guarantee?
Rep
Not quite. You will get the guarantee applied to your guaranteed
part of the pot. Just like the diagram.
He points to his drawings
again.
Carliss
Dad, do you mind if I ask something?
Nash
Erm…Fine erm son, you go ahead.
Carliss
So this is good for all the other members but not dad really. How
do you feel about that? Last month dad would have got seventeen grand a
year. This month only thirteen. How would you cope if I cut your salary by
twenty five percent?
Rep
Well, I er, good question. The thing is I wouldn’t feel that good
about having more salary at the expense of another employee.
Nash
I see. Let me ask a question. How many customers have got the full
amount? Not many I guess?
Rep
Look don’t quote me on it. I’m told that it may be hundreds
going back two or three years. But I’d be shot if it got out. And I am
very sorry that you will not be another. I really really am. But a line
has been drawn in the sand. And you are the wrong side of it. You really
have little choice. Which means you might as well go ahead and start the
pension in the way I just described. I have the forms in my bag…
Carliss
(Interrupting)Sorry, but
this stinks. Why didn’t you muppets have the reserves to cover all the
guarantees?
Rep
(Clearly taken aback and even
more nasally) We don’t believe in over reserving. It means we hold
the money not the customer. That is theft almost.
Carliss
But making my dad retire on less isn’t? I hope you get stuffed in
court.
Rep
Don’t hold your breath. We’ve got the best QC and apparently
we’ll have a great case. The other side have got a bit of a loser to
represent.
Carliss leans forward as if to grab the Rep. Nash holds him back
and the Rep looks very scared. The scene fades away to a blur and when
focus is restored the rep has left and Tompkins is back in the room. They
are all smiling.
Tompkins Great stuff dad. Nice one junior. Mind you I thought you were
going to punch his lights out at the end.
Carliss
No one talks about my dad like that. Arrogant little shit even had
the papers in his bag in the hope that we would go ahead. Honestly, these
guys are priceless sometimes.
Tompkins Lets play back the tape. We’ve got some good stuff that I
can’t wait to use.
Nash
By the way, Bunkman has agreed to represent me. He says he believes
in my cause, which is ruddy marvellous. (He
pauses and strokes his chin). I am having a really good day. I hope
our luck continues.
Same day, midday.
Scene – A pub near Old
Street Tube. Scruffy and smokey. Briggs and a man in a neat black three
piece. He is in his thirties and is dressed impressively.
Briggs
Thanks for dropping by. Sorry again for calling you at short
notice. And sorry this place is not too snazzy. I needed a drink so much
that I walked in to the nearest pub without even caring what it looked
like.
Leo
Briggsy. No problem. God, after three years at college together
I’d hope that by now you’d know I rarely need much prompting to go to
a pub. And any pub is still a pub. Look, the senior partner is out for the
day. I was planning a slightly longer lunch today anyway. And my office is
only in Moorgate. A ten-minute walk. Cheers (they
chink pint glasses)
Briggs
How’s life in the high pressured fast lane of insurance
litigation.
Leo
Great. I spend a lot of time lunching with potential clients. They
tend to be more and more keen to use our services. That this is directly
and proportionately in line with the vast amounts of vintage Champagne we
pour down them, is immaterial. (He
pauses and stares lovingly at his pint) It’s a tough job but someone
has to do it.
Briggs
Nice. Not envious at all.
Leo
And at Royalty Life? We’ve been following your story with some
interest. I bet the phones are red hot right now?
Briggs
And some. Mind you, since the Board quantified the potential cost
as £50m, which in the grand scale of things is a drop in the ocean,
things seem better. Especially now that we have been given very precise
guidelines on how to explain the position to clients.
Leo
(To the barman) Here mate
that isn’t the Chronicle at the end of the bar is it. Could I borrow it
a sec? Cheers (to Briggs) Sorry,
but you’ve not seen this yet have you?
Briggs
(He takes the paper from the
barman and starts to read) The slimy bastard press scumbags. This is
shit? They can’t just make this up can they?
Leo
Don’t ask me mate. Libel is not my particular bag of onions.
Briggs
(After a long pause) They
said this might happen.
Leo
Who are they?
Briggs
The senior management team. They did warn that we might get a rough
ride from the press. Tin hats and all that.
Leo
Well they would wouldn’t they.
Briggs
Yeah, but they’ve looked after the sales team brilliantly over
the years. Anyway, there’s no chance we will lose in court. You should
know. In fact this is COMPLETELY your bag of onions.
Leo
There is no such thing as a cert in this game, Briggsy. Believe me,
judges are a funny old bunch.
Briggs
Old blokes covered in dust (he
laughs) But if you get the right QC it helps, right?
Leo
Absolutely
true. Now that does make a big difference. (He
pauses) So you got Bunkman?
Briggs
Who?
Leo
The QC.
Briggs
You’ve lost me.
Leo
You
said Royalty had got the best. That means you’ve got Sir Timothy Bunkman
QC, right?
Briggs
(Glazing over) Er…no.
Some bloke called Gravidlax.
Leo
Oh!
Briggs
What? What was that “oh” thing just then?
Leo
Sir Jonathan Gravidlax QC. Top barrister.
Briggs
Why, “Oh”?
Leo
Nothing really. You said the best. That is Bunkman. He must be
busy. Gravidlax is one of the chaps we use when we can’t get Bunkman. He
is good. Just not the best. Hey mate, two more pints of Stella here. (Briggs
stares at the floor deep in thought).
Newspaper coverage the next day has damning headlines. “Royalty
Life Has Paid in Full for Years” and later in the commentary section,
“Royalty Tries To Choose A Weak Member For The Court Case”.
Date:
Monday 16th January 1998, 8.00 am.
Scene – Eton Office. The
weekly crisis meeting.
Gill
So, are we all ok?
All
(Muttering
in unison) Yes.
Gill
Look, I know this has been the hardest period of your lives in this
industry. I’d just like to thank you all again for staying with the
company line. You have professionally carried the banner and done
everything I have asked of you. And do you know what? This morning’s
sales figures for the year are still up on last year. And we all know how
well last year went. Honestly, you guys are incredible. A special word of
recognition for Grant. Brilliant December. Top man. Another massive With
Profits Bond. Now, Pete, over to you.
Pete
Scumwatch time. Your chance to upgrade our “liar liar pants on
fire” chart to see where we are at. Let’s just re-cap on the best and
the worst over on my wall display. (uses a pointer to highlight written
notes on a large white board). Worst, obviously The Chronicle. So far we
have featured in every issue since the original story broke. We are
“fools”, “liars”, “robbers” and “pensioner bashers”. The
cost of the court case could be anywhere between £1m and £10m, and the
“With Profits black hole” is “£50m, £500m, £1bn and £1.5bn”.
The most unwanted list of clients, ie those who have actually complained
and been featured in articles, include these from Eton. (He points to a
list with around ten names in it) You all know them and have been told to
avoid talking to them. On this point I would like to give Briggsy a
special mention. Whatever he did to Mr Irwin, he certainly had lots of
unpleasant things to say about us. (Briggs
smiles nervously as others jeer) Anyone read anything recently to add
to this. (There is a pause) No?
And what is the company line response for the readers of this bag of pooh?
Andrea
That the editor has a singular agenda and is driven by his passion
for revenge. He has of course got an old-style pension policy with a
guarantee with Royalty.
Pete
And the success of this line.
Briggs
Pretty good. Most potential new clients who read this rag believe
our position. The rantings of the editor seem too far-fetched to be
believed. I mean, as if we’ve got a black hole bigger than £1.5bn.
Honestly. Fools! (There is general laughter and approval).
Pete
Good answer. And the best newspaper is the Correspondent. These
boys have actually visited the Head Office, listened to Mr Dash and
understood. They see the importance of protecting the fund for the benefit
of everyone. They also reckon that we are the champions of fair play.
There are numerous good articles to refer to and I’ve clipped them to
the board. Anyone able to share some good news that has come from this?
Grant
Yes. This is a real winner. You see a client that reads it and your
job is done. They read the other crap and all I do is slip a few copies of
the Correspondent headlines on the table. They soon change their minds.
Pete
Just a mild word of warning. Are we allowed to distribute articles
like this?
Grant
No. But if I leave my own copy on the coffee table accidentally and
the client reads it, who am I to intervene or complain?
Pete
Excellent. Seriously guys. Don’t catch a cold on this. The sewer
rats are everywhere and it wouldn’t be beyond them to get us out on a
bogus call and film or tape the lot.
Gill
Thanks Pete. Now, I’ve had an urgent message from the top. As you
all know there is an EGM on Thursday. The venue is the Festival Hall on
the South Bank. Most votes have been cast by post and the Board has no
doubt that we’ve got approval on all the issues already. The problem is,
the venue is open to all With Profits members. And it is likely to be a
nutters day out. All the guaranteed annuity activists will be there. As
will the press (groans of derision). Normally at the AGMs there might be
one man and his dog, a drunken old journo and some blue-rinsed
coffin-dodgers. At “any questions from the floor”, there is usually
someone complaining about the tea and biscuits and the temperature.
We’ve been asked to help out. The venue has been switched to this two
thousand seater and we think it will be filled. The primary issues will be
declared and voted on in the hall. Symbolic mainly, but we want to win
these too. All the branches within thirty miles have had a request from
Head Office to boost the hall numbers with voting members. That means you
guys, clients who are friendly to the cause and family. Look, I think this
is really important. Who can make it? (unanimous show of hands). This is a
last minute plea and the branch managers have been given no steer as to
how you are expected to behave. But we’re not stupid, and despite the
fact that we have some strong feelings against them, nor are the press and
the members. So let’s be careful. I believe the key to it is this. Keep
a low profile, dress in smart casual and do not sit with other reps. Vote
in favour on the main issues then leave quietly. Any questions? Good, lets
go to work.
Date:
Thursday 19th January 1998, 8.45 am
Scene
– Briggs’s car is approaching the M25/M4 junction. He is in trousers
and a checked shirt. His passengers include his mother, Jill and his
wife’s Uncle Graham.
Briggs
Are you both comfortable enough.
Jill
Yes thank you.
Briggs
You ok Graham?
Graham
Oh yes.
Briggs
Look, in case I don’t get a chance later or things get a bit
hectic, I just wanted to say thank you both for giving up your time to
come with me today. (He pauses)
I hate smart casual wear. I was told not wear a suit. It’s a clothing
wasteland that to me doesn’t exist. I either do very smart. You know,
pinstripes and shiny shoes.
Jill
You look thinner in a dark pinstripe. Quite dashing.
Briggs
Thanks mum. But you are my mum and I’d have to put you in a home
if you said otherwise. (Jill giggles)
Anyway, casual to me means feeling comfortable. That also means jeans and
a T-shirt. Perhaps a fleece. Maybe a jumper. Not trousers. And now some
work moron has tried to encourage something called “business casual”.
I have no idea what that means. Not your best suit and a slightly looser
tie? I don’t know. Honestly, I hate these trousers. (He
pauses again) But thanks for coming. I really appreciate it.
Jill
No need to. I’ve never been to one of these before. In fact I’m
really looking forward to it. The last time I was at the Festival Hall,
Slade were number 1 in the pop charts. We saw The Nutcracker. Do you think
they will have tea and biscuits?
Briggs
Yes mum.
Graham
Likewise. But I’ve never been to the Festival Hall. And since I
retired I’ve had loads of spare time. Anyway, as you know, I have a
large With Profits pension with the Royalty. Mine does not have a
guarantee. I will take a keen interest. I may even get up to ask a
question. Do you think it will be warm enough in the hall?
Briggs
I am sure it will be. I think there will be big queues to get to
the podium to ask questions. But if you did get through Graham, what might
you ask?
Graham
Obvious. Why haven’t they told the guaranteed annuity
policyholders to get stuffed?
Jill
Oh Graham. Stop it.
Graham
No, but seriously, I’ll probably ask why my niece’s husband is
not CEO yet. I mean, good though his apparent cause may be, Dash always
seems to be a bit too unctuous for me.
Briggs
I like the cut of your jib. However, best not to though. Let’s
just see how madly busy it is when we get there.
Jill
Will there be lots of toilet facilities?
Briggs
No mum, you may have to crouch behind a statue.
Jill
John!
Briggs
Sorry mum. Look, don’t worry. It is an internationally recognised
music venue that seats around two thousand people. I think one or two
health and safety rules may be breached if there isn’t at least a couple
of bogs!
Jill
Good. So how long?
Briggs
We’ll be there in about three-quarters of an hour. That should
give us plenty of time. The hall opens at 9.45 and the initial addresses
start at 10.00 am. Now, this is very important. Please act like normal
people when we are in the hall. Also, when I nudge you, please hold up
your voting card really high. Is that ok?
Graham
Yes. It’s very exciting. I feel like I’m doing something a
little bit naughty (He adopts the
voice of a small boy). Golly, hope matron doesn’t catch us. It’ll
be castor oil all round and no buttered buns for elevenses otherwise (Jill
and Graham laugh out loud)
Briggs
(Under his breath)
Christ.
Time:
Same day, 9.00 am.
Scene
– The Festival Hall main arena. An impressive royal blue backdrop fills
the vast stage. The Royalty Life name stands high in gold letters six feet
tall. Beneath it is an enormous colour copy of the company crest. It has a
royal motif denoting Buckingham Palace patronage. The central image on the
crest is a blue eagle. In front of the backdrop is a long blue
velvet-covered head table punctuated by a grand, oak podium in the centre.
The arena is full of bustling security staff and Festival Hall employees
making the final finishing touches. Row upon row of blue chairs fill the
floor. In the middle, separated by approximately twenty feet are two less
impressive podia, each with a microphone.
To the left of the main stage
is a huddle of very erect and tense looking pinstripers. Finest Saville
Row and silk ensembles. Focus shifts to this group.
Dash
Maymes, you will be sitting next to Sir Hugo. If you achieve
nothing else today, you must keep him from dozing off.
Maymes
No problem.